Language of Love

Dr. Gary Chapman is a family counselor, radio host, associate pastor and author of several books, including, "The Five Love Languages".  This is one of my favorite books and, I think, an excellent behaviorial method of how we all can get along.

If you could see your attempts to get to know someone, love your family, or encouraging a friend as vapors or colors moving through the air you might see that some colors do not penetrate the other person’s mind or heart. Some do, some are diluted. Why put so much effort into these attempts unless they are actually effective? What if you could unlock the secret of making attempts more effective?  That’s what understanding and then operating in the proper language of love does.  The 5 Love Languages was written by Mr. Chapman as a guide for marriages but can be applied to other relationships as well.  

I know this concept helped my children understand me and increased my understanding of them as well.  Love is strong word and for most people they just want to be appreciated. So what ever you call it we all need to find ways to receive love from another language giver as well as learn to give love so it is recognized. Here is a summary of those 5  ways that people speak and understand Love:

 1.       Words of affirmation

Verbal compliments, or words of appreciation, are powerful communicators of love. They are best expressed in simple, straightforward statements of affirmation, such as:

      "You look sharp in that suit."

"Do you ever look incredible in that dress! Wow!"

"I really like how you're always on time to pick me up at work."

"You can always make me laugh."

One way to express love emotionally is to use words that build up. Solomon, author of ancient Hebrew Wisdom Literature, wrote, "The tongue has the power of life and death" (Proverbs 18:21, NIV).

Psychologist William James said that possibly the deepest human need is the need to feel appreciated.  At work, you could leave a kind note on their keyboard or at school, throw a note in their locker. Pay attention to people… they will give you clues to what words mean the most to them.

 2.      Quality time

“Quality time," means giving someone your undivided attention. Not sitting on the couch watching television together. When you spend time that way, Netflix or HBO has your attention — not the other person. Instead, it is sitting on the couch with the TV off, looking at each other and talking, devices put away, giving each other your undivided attention. It means taking a walk, just the two of you, or going out to eat and looking at each other and talking. Time is a precious commodity. We all have multiple demands on our time, yet each of us has the exact same hours in a day. We can make the most of those hours by committing some of them to the other person. At work this could be leaving your desk at lunch and going to the breakroom with the others. At school it could be asking a classmate to go to the library to just hang out.

A willingness to examine and change stereotypes is necessary in order to express love more effectively. Remember, there are no rewards for maintaining stereotypes, but there are tremendous benefits to meeting the emotional needs of the other person. Dr. Gary Chapman

3.       Giving & Receiving gifts  Almost everything ever written on the subject of love indicates that at the heart of love is the spirit of giving. All five love languages challenge us to give to others, but for some, receiving gifts speaks the loudest as they are visible signs of love. A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say, "Look, he was thinking of me," or, "She remembered." You must be thinking of someone to give him or her a gift. The gift itself is a symbol of that thought. It doesn't matter whether it costs money. What is important is that you thought of him or her. And it is not the thought implanted only in the mind that counts but the thought expressed in actually securing the gift and giving it as the expression of love.

But what of the person who says, "I'm not a gift giver.  I didn't receive many gifts growing up. I never learned how to select gifts. It doesn't come naturally for me." Congratulations, you have just made the first discovery in becoming a great lover. In fact, it is one of the easiest love languages to learn. At work or school bring an extra piece of fruit to share at lunch or bring donuts to the breakroom. Pay attention to what people talk about.  They will tell you what gift would speak to them if this is their language.

“Each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.

There are also heavenly bodies and there are earthly bodies; but the splendor

of the heavenly bodies is one kind, and the splendor of the earthly

bodies is another. The sun has one kind of splendor, the moon another

and the stars another; and each star differs from another star in splendor.”

1 Corinthians 7:7 &  1 Corinthians 15:40-41

 

4.       Acts of service

By acts of service, it means doing things you know the other person would like you to do. Consider actions such as cooking a meal, setting a table, emptying the dishwasher, vacuuming, changing the baby's diaper, picking up a prescription, keeping the car in operating condition — they are all acts of service. They require thought, planning, time, effort and energy. If done with a positive spirit, they are indeed expressions of love. If the other person’s love language is acts of service, then "actions speak louder than words."  At work, fill the copier with paper, clean the coffee pot, wipe off the breakroom table after lunch, when you fill your stapler, ask your office mate if they need staples etc. 

5.       Physical touch

We have long known that physical touch is a way of communicating emotional love. Numerous research projects in the area of child development have made that conclusion: Babies who are held, stroked and kissed develop a healthier emotional life than those who are left for long periods of time without physical contact. Holding hands, kissing, hugging (and sexual intercourse) are all ways of communicating emotional love. For some individuals, physical touch is their primary love language. Without it, they feel unloved. With it, their emotional tank is filled, and they feel secure in the love of their spouse. Touch requires little time - but much thought, especially if physical touch is not your primary love language and if you did not grow up in a "touching family."  Try sitting close to each other as you watch your favorite television program. It requires no additional time but may communicate very loudly. Touching as you walk through the room where someone is sitting takes only a moment. For co-workers, “touch” is a touchy subject but a virtual “pat on the back” through recognition can be used.

 “Be devoted to one another in love.

Honor one another above yourselves.”

Romans 12:10

At the beginning of this blog I mentioned seeing your attempts as vapors or colors.  Watch this video to get the idea of how having color unblocked can affect people down to their core.  https://youtu.be/V9nYSJLwXEI

Now imagine your attempts at loving people being like the glasses on these people.  We really can touch people in meaningful ways, if we use the right language.  The Language of Love.

“Dear friends, let us love one another,

for love comes from God.

Everyone who loves has been born of God

and knows God.”

1 John 4:7ionshipsLove Towards Christ, Shown ByBrotherhoodSocial Justice

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Father, thank you for loving us and teaching us how to love in many ways so we can love each other. We are each uniquely made and uniquely receive and give love. But you are love so in every give and every receipt of love we are seeing you at work in us and through us. Forgive me for those times I did not pay attention to someone when they needed love.  Give me new eyes to see and a new heart to move outside of my language and speak to those around me in meaning ways.

Click here to see a music video – Hawk Nelson “Words”  http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=W7Z6ZWNX

Fat Leaders

Several years ago, I attended a leadership class in which the pastor outline the definition of FAT Leaders. Faithful, Available, Teachable.

Whether you want to be a leader or not the truth is we are all leaders in some sense because people around us watch and look to us as examples of Christ. You may not be called to a specific ministry named in the church bulletin but we are all called to show Christ to the world. In Matthew 28 Jesus tells all of us to go into all the world and make disciples. Galatians 5 outlines the Fruit of the Spirit that should be effident, growing, plump and ready for harvest. So let’s get FAT!!

“Fat leaders make the best leaders”, the Pastor said.  Here’s why:

FAT LEADERS ARE FAITHFUL

to God and their fellow group members.

John 15:7-8  “If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.”

To be faithful is to do what you say you will do. If you sign up to help deliver food to the elderly, show up, be on time, and have a happy attitude. Commitment to remain on course, no matter the distractions or excuses is key.

         FAT LEADERS ARE AVAILABLE

having and being willing to spend the time to serve.

Colossians 3:23-24  “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters,  since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.”

Our lives are full of busyness whether it be jobs, family, friends, the gym, church, home group, house chores etc.  To do more can tax our time and leave us spinning.  When we decide to help out somewhere in our church or community we need to be sure we have calculated the time it will take and that we have made the adjustments in our schedule.  If not, we will get drained of energy and motivation as well as not meet our commitment.  Some items in our lives might need to take a back seat to this new thing, even if it’s just for a season.  If God has put serving on your heart then He will make room in your schedule and provide solutions for the adjustments needed.  You have to be willing to do the same. The adjustments go further than our calendar and can include our finances, our home life, or our emotional lives.

FAT LEADERS ARE TEACHABLE

open to instruction and willing to learn.

Philippians 1:9-10  “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God.”

Habits are hard to break.  New ones are harder to form.  To be teachable we need to flexible to accept the idea of new ways of thinking, doing, speaking, etc.  Then, we have to be diligent to practice those new ways so they become a part of our lives. This is not a natural process for us humans.  We like the same and the known. To do this we are going to need some help.  Help in the form of encouragement from others and, most of all, help from the guidance of the Holy Spirit. 

So, all of you FAT cats…..  Be joyful in your new diet meant to nourish your leadership and your life.   Look for fat all around you and eat it up!  In this case, fat is good for you…..  I can guarantee, others will notice your added fat in just a matter of days or weeks.  Encourage your friends to be fat too.  Jesus needs fat people to carry His fat to all the world.

“ In fact, though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you the elementary truths of God’s word all over again. You need milk, not solid food!  Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness.  But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil.”  Hebrews 5:12-14 Shown ByBrotherhoodSocial Jus

ResponseAffection, ExpressingForgive OthersForgiving Ones EnemiesImitating Jesus

Be Humble!Be Patient!Being Devoted to GodMercyThe Need For MercyActs of KindnessCharacter Of SaintsKindnessThe Gentleness Of God's PeopleSelf DisciplineAttitudes, to other peopleElectWardrobe, SpiritualHumilityAffection, ExpressingClothed With Good ThingsSpirituality

Humility In The Christians LifeNames And Titles For The ChristianPatienceChristiansSympathyHoliness, As Set Apart For GodCompassionCaringPeople Of God, In Ntdiscipleship, nature ofTendernessHoliness, Believers' Growth InGentlenessBowelsCariOUR PRAYER

Lord, thank you for providing the nourishment I need as a follower of Christ and a leader to those around me.  Please help me see where I need more fat in my life. I want to be faithful, available, and teachable. Forgive me for pushing away the fat when you have brought it to me previously and help me see the fat you are bring to others so I can encouragement them to be fat as well.  I love you and I want to be just like you, fat Jesus.    

Click here to see a music video – Jeremy Camp “Christ in Me”  https://youtu.be/b-1Wtrnt-rc

His Story of the Stars

(sorry no photos today. traveling and blogging has its challenges)

I am so glad God loves me. Because if He didn't He probably would have vaporized me by now for my attitude. I didn't have a very good day today. Here’s the story:

The morning was filled with some frustrating and uncooperative clients. So I decided to do a bit of sight-seeing and photography.  I set out on my journey excited for what I might see it turns out, however, there was not much to see.   I whined a little bit to God and asked him why He brought me out this far for nothing. There was no answer.

Fed up with looking for great Hawaii scenery to shoot, I decided to treat myself to a nice dinner by the ocean. However, when I got to the place where I thought the restaurants would be, there were none. Now, I'd already been on the road for almost 6 hours so I was ready to go home. I pointed the car in the direction of the quickest road home and began that leg of my journey.  It began to rain.  Then I hit road construction and the quickest road became dirt.  Rain+dirt = mud. Bad day had turned to the worst night.

My whining again about God’s so-called great plan to bring me all the way out here for nothing, stopped abrutptly as I reached the top of the mountain and then, just at the peak - the fog cleared and the rain stopped and God showed up.  Right there infront of me was a sky full of stars. So close I could almost touch them.  So bright and numerous; I was in awe.  

In this very remote mountain area in Hawaii with no city lights around me, I could see all of the constellations.

I love looking at the stars.  God knows this about me and I was treated to a very special gift. Just witnessing this light show would have been great enough but God went further. You see, on my Hawaii vacation a few weeks ago I was supposed to go to this very mountain top but I got sick on couldn't go on the excursion. But I'm back in Hawaii and had now discovered what my day was all about. It was the restoration of what was lost. He had given me back the trip that stolen by illness. He also reminded me that there has been a lot of recent restorations in my life lately.

As I drove away from the crest of the mountain I was reminded very gently in my spirit (no vaporizing) that God is at work with restoration in our lives in a very personal way at all times. We are His stars and He knows us by name.  Even the most spectacular star, galaxy or Hawaii scenery cannot match the indescribable love He has for each of us.  He sees our loses and hurts and He is there to heal…. even when we are whining about the journey. There I was, His star restored and shining ever so brightly.  I didn’t have to believe I was a star because He created me to be me. I didn’t have to do anything to shine because He provided His light within me. and I didn’t have to work to stay in position for he holds the stars.  I also knew what today's blog should be about - and so I share this story… His Story of the Stars.

The Bible is full of scriptures recounting how much God loves us and knows us well.  Here are just a couple to reflect on this week:

“For our God, who said, ‘Let light shine out of darkness’, has shone in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.”                                                                     2^nd Corinthians 4:6

“So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being restored day by day. For this little momentary condition is preparing for us an eternal  glory beyond all comparison, as we look - not to the things that are seen - but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are temporary, but the things that are unseen are eternal.” 2^nd Corinthians 4:16-18

Click here to see a music video – Francesca Battistelli “He knows my Name” https://youtu.be/ZtlDVleJBtA

OUR PRAYER
Lord, thank you for the stars. Thank you for making them one by one just as you have made us. Thank for reminding me of you love, that is so continuous even when I do not appreciate your faithfulness.   Forgive me for those times when I whine and complain and stomp my feet in protest of what you are doing before your plan is revealed.   You have so much healing for prepared for me. Help me watch and wait on your timing.   Just as you have planned the star’s alignment and heavenly position, you do the same for me because I am a star in your eyes. Help me to serve my purpose and shine bright for your glory.

“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; You are Mine.” Isaiah 43:1

Click here to see a music video - Chris Tomlin “Indescribable” https://youtu.be/EuihT9wRc34

Intentionality

Wouldn’t it be nice to go through each day with no deadlines, no expectations from anyone, and no appointments to make us hurry to beat the clock?  Not according to many health professional studying those in retirement.  We are hardwired to be useful every day. To contribute to the tribe or village.  We need to be useful and have purpose. If you believe Pastor Rick Warren from Saddleback Church - our very lives are “Purpose Driven”.

"Without a vision, the people perish."

Proverbs 29:18

As Christians what is the vision set before us and what is our purpose.   

For both areas, I think it can be categorized as inward and outward.

The inward vision God has for us is found in our relationship with Him. Relationships take time and work.  They aren’t perfect and they can be frustrating. Yes, you can be frustrated with God. That’s doesn’t stop your love for Him and it certainly doesn’t stop His.  These three verses describe a good relationship motto:

“Look at my Servant, whom I have chosen. He is my Beloved, who pleases me. I will put my Spirit upon him, and he will proclaim justice to the nations.”   Matthew 12:18


“I am my beloved’s and He is mine.”  Song of Solomon 6:3a


“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons^] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”  Romans 8:38-39


The outward vision is our mission God needs us to accomplish. This might be something like recorded in Isaiah 49:8-9:

 “This is what the Lord says:

“In the time of my favor I will answer you,
    and in the day of salvation I will help you;
I will keep you and will make you to be a covenant for the people,
to restore the land and to reassign its desolate inheritances,
You will say to the captives, ‘Come out,’ and to those in darkness, ‘Be free!’

The inward purpose supports the vision in practical steps to fulfill the vision.  Inward purposes might include prayer time with God, a Bible Study, memorizing scripture, or going to church every week.  These are things that will bring you closer to God and they will be different for each one of us because we each have a personal relationship with God. Here is a good reminder of how important God’s word is to our life:

"I have hidden your word in my heart 

that I might not sin against you.
Praise be to you, Lord; teach me your decrees.
With my lips I recount all the laws

that come from your mouth.
I rejoice in following your statutes 

as one rejoices in great riches.
I meditate on your precepts and consider your ways.
I delight in your decrees; I will not neglect your word."

Psalms 119:11-16  

The outward purpose supports the vision in practical steps to fulfill the vision. Outward purposes might include giving a testimony, helping a family buy groceries, serving Sunday’s in the toddler class at Church, or maybe leading a small group in your home. Your purpose also comes with some tools.  First, the Holy Spirit. Second, the authority of God. Third, unique gifts meant to enable you to accomplish the assignment, then you get the armor of God, and a big book full of stories from others that experienced God’s visions and worked through them.  This book even includes tips of what to and what not to do. Lastly, God has said He would always be available for questions.

 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord,

“plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Jeremiah 29:11

The question we have to ask ourselves in these four areas is, are we intentional about growing the inward and fulfilling the outward?  If someone has wronged you or hurt you I’ll bet you’ve heard the phrase, “I’m sorry, it wasn’t on purpose.” Sometimes my response is a bit snarky, “Yes, but you didn’t purpose to stop it either.” Thinking in reverse can open up a new perspective and in this case can reveal thoughtlessness.  Sure the person didn’t mean for you to be hurt but they didn’t think about how it would affect you. If they had, they probably would have realized you’d be hurt and perhaps they would have taken precautions or elected not to moving forward.  To live intentionally means practicing thoughtfulness when moving and thoughtfulness when not moving.

Practicing thoughtfulness, unfortunately, isn’t a scheduled session.  It is an all-day event. We never know who is watching or listening and be hurt by our thought-less-ness. At all times we should be purposing to reflect the correct image of God to others. Here are 8 scriptures reminding us of the importance of being a good example:

1.    You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot.   - Matthew 5:13

2.    In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.  - Matthew 5:16

3.    Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.  - Ephesians 5:1

4.    Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. - Philippians 4:8

5.    Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth. - 2 Timothy 2:15

6.    Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity.  - 1 Timothy 4:12

7.    8. In everything set them an example by doing what is good. In your teaching show integrity, seriousness   - Titus 2:7

8.    9. Join together in following my example, brothers and sisters, and just as you have us as a model, keep your eyes on those who live as we do. - Philippians 3:17

 

We do not have to worry about failing to live up to this standard.  Even the disciples struggled and failed at times.  Paul wrote a wonderful passage in Romans 7 where he laments his own struggle…

 “So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!”

 Here’s a video about a man that asked God to help him be a man living a more intentional life: https://youtu.be/fWcs1GmJRQs

“For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.”

Isaiah 41:13

OUR PRAYER

Jesus, thank you for saving me from myself. Thank you for taking on all of my mistakes.  I want to be a good example as one of your followers.   Forgive me for the times I have not been that example. I want to begin living intentionally for you.  Please help me to see and hear your vision for my life and lay out your purposes you have for me.  Thank you for the awesome tools you provide and your guidance. I love you!