Dr. Gary Chapman is a family counselor, radio host, associate pastor and
author of several books, including, "The Five Love Languages". This is
one of my favorite books and, I think, an excellent behaviorial method of
how we all can get along.
If you could see your
attempts to get to know someone, love your family, or encouraging a friend as
vapors or colors moving through the air you might see that some colors do not
penetrate the other person’s mind or heart. Some do, some are diluted. Why put
so much effort into these attempts unless they are actually effective? What if
you could unlock the secret of making attempts more effective? That’s what understanding and then operating
in the proper language of love does. The 5 
Love
Languages was written by Mr. Chapman as a guide for marriages but can be applied to other relationships as well.
Love
Languages was written by Mr. Chapman as a guide for marriages but can be applied to other relationships as well.
I know this concept
helped my children understand me and increased my understanding of them as
well. Love is strong word and for most
people they just want to be appreciated. So what ever you call it we all need to find ways to receive love from another language giver as well as learn to give love so it is recognized. Here is a summary of those 5 ways that people speak and understand Love:
1.
Words of affirmation
Verbal compliments, or words of
appreciation, are powerful communicators of love. They are best expressed in
simple, straightforward statements of affirmation, such as:
"You look sharp in that suit."
"Do you ever look incredible in that dress! Wow!"
"I really like how you're always on time to pick me up at work."
"You can always make me laugh."
One way to express love
emotionally is to use words that build up. Solomon, author of ancient Hebrew
Wisdom Literature, wrote, "The
tongue has the power of life and death" (Proverbs 18:21, NIV).
Psychologist William
James said that possibly the deepest human need is the need to feel
appreciated. At work, you could leave a
kind note on their keyboard or at school, throw a note in their locker. Pay
attention to people… they will give you clues to what words mean the most to
them.
“Quality time," means
giving someone your undivided attention. Not sitting on the couch watching
television together. When you spend time that way, Netflix or HBO has your
attention — not the other person. Instead, it is sitting on the couch with the
TV off, looking at each other and talking, devices put away, giving each other
your undivided attention. It means taking a walk, just the two of you, or going
out to eat and looking at each other and talking. Time is a precious commodity.
We all have multiple demands on our time, yet each of us has the exact same
hours in a day. We can make the most of those hours by committing some of them
to the other person. At work this could be leaving your desk at lunch and going
to the breakroom with the others. At school it could be asking a classmate to
go to the library to just hang out.
A willingness to examine and change
stereotypes is necessary in order to express love more effectively. Remember, there
are no rewards for maintaining stereotypes, but there are
tremendous benefits to meeting the emotional needs of the other person. Dr. Gary Chapman
3. Giving & Receiving gifts 
Almost everything ever
written on the subject of love indicates that at the heart of love is the
spirit of giving. All five love languages challenge us to give to others,
but for some, receiving gifts speaks the loudest as they are visible signs of love. A
gift is something you can hold in your hand and say, "Look, he was
thinking of me," or, "She remembered." You must be thinking
of someone to give him or her a gift. The gift itself is a symbol of that
thought. It doesn't matter whether it costs money. What is important is that
you thought of him or her. And it is not the thought implanted only in the mind
that counts but the thought expressed in actually securing the gift and giving
it as the expression of love.
Almost everything ever
written on the subject of love indicates that at the heart of love is the
spirit of giving. All five love languages challenge us to give to others,
but for some, receiving gifts speaks the loudest as they are visible signs of love. A
gift is something you can hold in your hand and say, "Look, he was
thinking of me," or, "She remembered." You must be thinking
of someone to give him or her a gift. The gift itself is a symbol of that
thought. It doesn't matter whether it costs money. What is important is that
you thought of him or her. And it is not the thought implanted only in the mind
that counts but the thought expressed in actually securing the gift and giving
it as the expression of love.
But what of the person
who says, "I'm not a gift giver. I
didn't receive many gifts growing up. I never learned how to select gifts. It
doesn't come naturally for me." Congratulations, you have just made the
first discovery in becoming a great lover. In fact, it is one of the easiest
love languages to learn. At work or school bring an extra piece of fruit to
share at lunch or bring donuts to the breakroom. Pay attention to what people talk about. They will tell you what gift would speak to them if this is their language.
“Each of you has your own gift from
God; one has this gift, another
has that.
There are also heavenly bodies and
there are earthly bodies; but the splendor
of the heavenly bodies is one kind,
and the splendor of the earthly
bodies is another. The sun has one kind of splendor, the moon another
and the stars another; and each star differs from another
star in splendor.”
1
Corinthians 7:7 & 1
Corinthians 15:40-41
4.
Acts of service
By acts of service, it
means doing things you know the other person would like you to do. Consider
actions such as cooking a meal, setting a table, emptying the dishwasher,
vacuuming, changing the baby's diaper, picking up a prescription, keeping the
car in operating condition — they are all acts of service. They require
thought, planning, time, effort and energy. If done with a positive spirit,
they are indeed expressions of love. If the other person’s love language is
acts of service, then "actions speak louder than words." At work, fill the copier with paper, clean
the coffee pot, wipe off the breakroom table after lunch, when you fill your
stapler, ask your office mate if they need staples etc.
5.
Physical touch
We have long known that
physical touch is a way of communicating emotional love. Numerous research
projects in the area of child development have made that conclusion: Babies who
are held, stroked and kissed develop a healthier emotional life than those who
are left for long periods of time without physical contact. Holding hands,
kissing, hugging (and sexual intercourse) are all ways of communicating
emotional love. For some individuals, physical touch is their primary love
language. Without it, they feel unloved. With it, their emotional tank is
filled, and they feel secure in the love of their spouse. Touch requires little
time - but much thought, especially if physical touch is not your primary love language
and if you did not grow up in a "touching family." Try sitting close to each other as you watch
your favorite television program. It requires no additional time but may
communicate very loudly. Touching as you walk through the room where someone
is sitting takes only a moment. For co-workers, “touch” is a touchy subject but
a virtual “pat on the back” through recognition can be used.
“Be devoted to one another
in love.
Honor one another
above yourselves.”
Romans 12:10
At the beginning of this blog I mentioned seeing your attempts
as vapors or colors. Watch this video to
get the idea of how having color unblocked can affect people down to their
core. https://youtu.be/V9nYSJLwXEI
Now imagine your
attempts at loving people being like the glasses on these people. We really can touch people in meaningful
ways, if we use the right language. The
Language of Love.
“Dear friends, let us love one another,
for love comes from God.
Everyone who loves has been born of God
and knows God.”
Father, thank you for loving us and teaching us how
to love in many ways so we can love each other. We are each uniquely made and
uniquely receive and give love. But you are love so in every give and every
receipt of love we are seeing you at work in us and through us. Forgive me for those times I did not pay attention to
someone when they needed love. Give me
new eyes to see and a new heart to move outside of my language and speak to
those around me in meaning ways.
